October and the Real-Life Horrors of Domestic Violence

TRIGGER WARNING: Domestic Violence
SPOILER ALERT: This contains major spoilers for “It Ends With Us,” a novel by Colleen Hoover.

October is punctuated by the celebration of Halloween the world over, and it is also the awareness month for a lesser known, real-life horror:  domestic violence.

While there may be a lot of romance novels revolving around toxic relationships, not much have been written about outright abusive ones.  What's unique with Colleen Hoover's "It Ends With Us" is that, compared to the millions of other romances written, is while abusive characters are usually villains or in supporting roles, is that the abusive character is the leading man. Ryle has a severely traumatic childhood experience causing him to occasionally black out and get physically violent with Lily.

Hoover wrote “It Ends With Us” with her own upbringing in mind: her father was abusive towards her mother before they eventually divorced, making the writing of this novel so close to home for her that how she even got through this process is a marvel. If the novel doesn't make you tear up, her afterword about her real-life experience could.

After a much-maligned coloring book and the casting of Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni as the leads Lily and Ryle, respectively, fans still eagerly anticipate the movie adaptation.

The casting of “Jane the Virgin” hearththrob Justin Baldoni in the lead role is spot on as he can definitely fit the dashing debonair, toxic male role to a T.  The casting of Blake Lively is a less exciting prospect. This perspective may be premature, but the adaptation could benefit from someone who could pull off a more obvious power imbalance (and age gap) with Baldoni.  Or maybe a lesser-known actress so that the audience would see the character, not the big name, and realize that domestic violence could happen to anyone.

In the first few pages, Lily Bloom, our token simple, unassuming protagonist, meets Ryle Kincaid, our token aloof, devastatingly handsome and successful neurosurgeon. He’s angrily kicking a chair after a difficult day at the hospital and Lily watches him with fascination, hours after delivering a eulogy for her father.

In this story, Ryle isn’t written as completely wicked. The couple does have beautiful moments, tossing the reader between frustration and the hope that he would change.  

Much like real-life situations where the victim holds onto hope that the abuser would change.  

Society, as it is, isn’t much help to those who suffer domestic abuse. Because most people dismiss women (or men, for that matter) who stay in this kind of relationship as simply too weak. 
Some may even resort to victim-blaming. 
“Why isn’t s/he getting out of there?” 
“Why is s/he allowing the abuse?”

“Is s/he so weak?”

It’s not that they’re weak.

Nobody makes the best decisions when under chronic stress, their self-esteem under constant attack from somebody who mattered to them. And as to why they entered that relationship in the first place, not all abusive relationships show telltale signs in the beginning.

Unless you're in an abusive domestic situation, you wouldn't know how it is to be in a relationship with a real-life Jekyll and Hyde. Or experience the economic implications of leaving a violent home situation when the victim is not financially stable. Or wrestle with insidious happy memories that make you unable to break the cycle. 

If you’re in an abusive relationship, you need to know this: You’re not weak. You’re probably the stronger one.  You’re tough either way.  You’re tough when you stick it out, you’re tough when you get out.  It was never a question of your strength.

But which one is healthier?

Which option doesn't chip away at your self-worth until you become a shell of your former self in the future?

After a particularly eventful night, Lily is spurred to action. “It takes me a full five minutes to slide out from under him. I'm too scared to move too much at once so i do it an inch at a time until I'm able to roll onto the floor…. when I can no longer feel his hands on me...” - Lily (It Ends with Us)

Now, there’s no easy 5-step tutorial offering an way out of these situations (if there was, please leave a comment below).  Extracting yourself from an abusive relationship would most likely be like a band-aid being ripped out, instead of an inching towards the door. But it can still be done, by subtly building a safety net – emotionally and or financially.  

Unfortunately, a way of escape is almost impossible without a good support system.   And for many women, they may not have it available, for reasons of culture or whatnot; but Lily does: in the form of good friends, old friends, and even Ryle’s own family.

Love doesn’t need to get ugly. It can, though, reveal the ugly parts of yourself you need to face to become the best version of yourself.
 
Love can be hard, but it doesn’t have to be toxic. Love is exciting, but it should feel safe, too… like a rollercoaster ride with the complete safety features. It shouldn’t make you feel unsafe, abandoned, or less of a person. Healthy love is when you’re with somebody who celebrates you, your uniqueness, your strength.
 
Healthy love is also loving yourself, embracing your uniqueness, and celebrating your own strength.
It’s time.